The Perils of Seto and Malik
by Inu Kaiba
Summary: Don't even read this, it's just here for old times sake.
1. Kaiba

* * *

Kaiba has the hiccups

* * *

Kaiba was in the middle of a meeting. The next employee to suggest they extend the meeting, got a Drop Kick to the head. 

Suddenly one of his employees pulled out a card. "Yeah got in a new pack," he said. "Let me see it," Kaiba demanded. "Please don't take this Mr. Kaiba. It's my son's" he said.

Kaiba thought for a moment and agreed. "Fine," he said. "Just let me see it." The card was named Baby Dark Magician. There was a little purple curl on its head. It was also holding a rattle shaped like a staff. The card looked really rare. Kaiba could imagine Yugi's face when he saw it. "No," Yugi sobbed. "My Dark Magician." Kaiba began to laugh at the sad look he thought might be on Yugi's face when he saw the card. Kaiba laughed so hard he began to cry. Finally Kaiba finished laughing.

Unfortunately he had laughed so hard he had given himself a terrible case of the hiccups.

(Hic!) 'Oops' thought Kaiba.

"Mr. Kaiba what does a hick have to do with our products?" said an Employee.

"Nothing," said Kaiba. "our client is a...(Hic!)

"Mr. Kaiba I thought we didn't serve hicks," said another Employee.

"Nope. We Da...o (Hic!) said Kaiba.

"We serve hicks now?" said yet another Employee.

"Nope we don't. But now (Hic!)

"Okay, so do we pick a random hick?" said yet another Employee. It seemed a lot of people worked at his company.

"No, no, no, we pick a good ... (Hic!) Kaiba said.

"Ok Shenzu," said some important Guy.(less important than Kaiba but more important than anyone else at this table, (excluding Kaiba.)Ok, back to the story.)

"You heard the man. Go out and look for a decent looking Hick on the streets."

"Mr. Kaiba what are our deals for this Hick?" said the important guy. (Again.)

"We give our GOOD CLIENT Mr. (Hic!) whatever he wants!

"Yes, Mr. Kaiba," said the important guy for the umpteenth time.

"Thank you," said Kaiba. "The next person to suggest a meeting tomorrow will get a Drop Kick to the head and then be allowed to think about it before we have another."

Kaiba was pretty much zoned out for this part of the meeting. He thought Shenzu was going out in the streets to look for Mr. Takanoshi who had ordered some duel monsters stuff but then he couldn't be sure. Like I said he was zoned out for most of this meeting.

Then Kaiba walked home. As he walked he kept hiccupping and people thought he was the rudest person ever because it sounded like he was calling everybody a hick.

He was so bad that people were muttering under their breath about him. "Honestly," they'd say. "He thinks everybody's a hick."

When he got home he spoke to Mokuba.

"I'm going to work on my L... (Hic!)

Then he walked upstairs.

"Honestly," Mokuba said. "A hick! The things Seto buys with his money."

The next day Kaiba woke up and realized that his brother thought he was gay and that his company was selling products to a hick on the streets.

'What would people do without me?' he thought.

* * *

Inu Kaiba's Author's note: A hick means a home less person on the streets in this story. I know it means a person from a small town but I choose to change the meaning for this story. I am sorry if you found this offensive.

Edit: Omae o korosu means I will kill you. This story is so horrible... I was a bad author at 11.  



	2. Malik

* * *

Part 2: Marik gets the farts

* * *

Marik was in the middle of a Rare Hunters meeting. Most people would have fallen asleep by now including Marik.

* * *

A bit of history

* * *

Marik's yami had been yelling at him for the past month to let him come out. Whenever his yami tried to come out, he had been blocked at every twist or turn, even in his sleep. Ryou in particular had helped him. 

Ryou said, he had had a lot of problems with his yami.

The trick to this was to pretend he was letting his yami out. The really tricky part in doing this was he couldn't project all of his soul or his yami would be able to take over. Then he would run across the door and chain and lock and bolt his Yami's door shut so he couldn't come out. The lock eventually fell off because the door was so rusty but it always worked.

It had taken a couple of tries but finally he had mastered it. He had to do this because after what had happened with his Yami in Battle City, he couldn't walk around unprotected. (Some of you are wondering why because Marik's Yami went away after Battle City but read on and you'll find out why this happened.) Especially when his Yami came back.

* * *

When Malik's Yami came back

* * *

He had been having a great day in Egypt when he reached out and felt like he was about to choke Ishizu. He felt angry because she hadn't let him buy a Care Bear! Of course as the kind and sweet Malik, (Not his Yami) He hadn't minded. After all she was his elder and she knew better than he did what they should buy and what they should not. 

He'd been a little angry (like most people are when they aren't allowed to get whatever they wanted) but not angry enough to hurt his own flesh and blood and certainly not his sister! (Because if you hurt that person who tells you that you can't get what ever you want if you ask for that particular item again Of course they'll say no. But if you're good and don't hurt them they just might let you get whatever it is you wanted the last time.)

He knew why he had these horrid thoughts in an instant! It was that horrid Yami of his! He had come back and he was making him think evil thoughts, which Malik did not want to think!

When Marik got home he liked to Odeon. Odeon said that even he knew that Malik would not be protected from his dark evil yami forever. Odeon chanted a spell, which would protect Marik for a journey he was about to go on.

"Journey?" asked Marik. "What journey?"

"The Journey I'm sending you on!" said Odeon.

"To where?" asked Marik.

"Back! Back to the place where you and your darkness caused so many people grief and misery!" said Odeon.

"Domino City?" asked Malik.

"Domino City!" answered Odeon.

So Marik began a rather stupid journey to reach Domino City. When he finally got there, he set off to find shelter in the large city.

He wandered for hours until he bumped into Ryou. Ryou brought him to his house and taught him that Yami trick.

Marik eventually rented an apartment and lives in Domino City. He eventually regathered the Rare Hunters again but for a different purpose: to make Care Bears loved worldwide.

* * *

Back to the beginning

* * *

So as the Rare Hunters droned on Yami Marik was being forced to listen. 

"Malik," said YMalik.

"Uh huh!" he said laughing as he played with his wonderfully fun Care Bears.

"You do realize that I will 'Omae o Korosu', right?" asked Yami Marik.

"Uh huh!" said Malik. "It's just fun to see you suffer out of boredom!"

YMalik announced he was going to get some food.

"Bring back McDonald's!" said a Rare Hunter. "Yeah!" said another. Yami Malik nodded his head to show he was listening and would obey.

Yami Malik took their orders and ordered them correctly because when he's planning something evil he's really nice.

After that he went to the grocery store and bought an onion. The he ate half of it.

When he got back he sat down and gave a few big, loud, smelly, farts.

"Marik," asked one Rare Hunter. "What did you eat?"

"An onion!" said Yami Marik happily.

Then he pulled the onion out and began eating it like you would eat an apple. Soon all the Rare Hunters passed out from the horrid smell.

"That was fun!" said Yami Marik as he rubbed his stomach and tossed the bag that had ontained the onion over his shoulder.

Malik Self-projected himself out of the rod then. "Oh... My... GOD!" he said. "YAMI OMAE O KOROSU!"

'Oh shit!' thought Yami Marik. His Hikari was very scary when he was angry. Very scary.

* * *


	3. Kaiba 2

* * *

Kaiba was in a meeting. Well, that's very abnormal and absurd. 

"Gentleman tonight is the big business meeting with Mr.Takanoshi!" said Kaiba.

"Don't screw it up!" said Employee 1.

"Ummm... EXCUSE ME!" said Kaiba in a very pissed tone of voice.

"I'll leave and never ever come back to this job ever?" guessed Employee 1.

"Right!" said Kaiba. "You just won Jeopardy! Now get the Fuck out of here!"

As the man leaves everybody realizes theat when Kaiba's in a pissy mood he sort of kind of (Oh what the heck) takes it out on them. Everyone at the table (Except Kaiba) gets a scared look on their face and cowers as Kaiba stands to his full height and begins speaking to them.

"Now it's time for everybody's favorite game!" said Kaiba.

"Um... Yay!" said an employee in a very scared tone.

"It's time for... Kaiba Karate!" said Kaiba.

'Oh, shit!" the Employees think.

Kaiba gets all of the employees to stand against the wall. When everyone is ready he begins to randomly beat all the people in line.

Kaiba randomly smacks an employee and says, "You didn't take my fucking breakfast order right you fucking slut of a Maid who lives in a septic tank."

Kaiba hits another employee "This is for you, you fucking bastard slut ass mother fucking cock sucking dead fucker!" Kaiba had beat the employee so bad he had killed him. He had pretended the employee was Gozaburo. Good for Kaiba. Not so good for the employee.

"Oops!" he said. "Oh, well.I have the best lawyers in Japan meaning if you're family tries to charge me for that it won't work because nobody has better lawyers than me."

Anyways, Kaiba continued hurting and/or killing employees until he reached the last employee. He smacked the employee across the face and while hurting him said, "This is for the hurt look in Mokuba's eyes every time I see him!"

* * *

This is what happened to the employee: 

"When Kaiba looked at Sam, (the employee)

He wasn't quite dead.

So, Kaiba took a bazooka,

And shot off his head.

It rolled down a hill,

And into a ditch.

And that was the end of Sam the bitch, That Kaiba beat to death because he was angry at Himself for acting like the bastard Gozaburo had made him into."

* * *

That was to tell you what Kaiba did to the Employee and why he did it and why there's always that hurt look in Mokuba's eyes. Now, back to the story!

* * *

Anyways Kaiba adjourned the meeting and thold the secretary to make new ads for the people he fired (he told his secretary he fired them but we all know that he killed them).

* * *

That night

* * *

That night Seto was thirsty, so he asked Mokuba for a drink. Mokuba brought him in a 2Litre bottle of Pepsi. Kaiba didn't notice that it was 2 whole litres of Pepsi and he drank the whole thing in one gulp.

* * *

When Kaiba made it to the resturant he had a severe case of the burps. 

So, anyways Kaiba found Mr. Takanoshi and greeted him, saying, "Hello Mr.Taka (Urp!)"

"Why thank you, Mr. Kaiba!" Mr Takanoshi said when Kaiba took his coat. He hadn't really noticed that Kaiba had called him "Mr. Taka (Urp!)."

* * *

Later on at the table

* * *

"I'll have the (Urp!)" said Kaiba. The "Urp" turned out to be the best tasting Wine there and at a half decent price, too. 

Anywys, Kaiba did this and that and soon Mr. Takanoshi noticed (and became very irritated) with Kaiba's constant burping and asked him to stop.

"I (Urp!) Can't (Urp!) Stop (Urp!) !" said Kaiba.

"If you don't even table manners, Mr. Kaiba, How do I know you're a good business partner? The deal is off!" Mr. Takanoshi said and then he walked away.

"No!" Kaiba screamed, but it was too late. Then out of fustration and the shock and strain of everything else that had happned that day he began to sob into the tablecloth.

"Would you like your bill, now, Sir?" asked the waiter. Kaiba sobbed even louder and continued sobbing for most of the night.

* * *


	4. Malik 2

Inu Kaiba: Has anyone seen the lawyers?

Inu Yasha: Nope!

Inu Kaiba: I own Yu-Gi-Oh and Inu Yasha

Lawyer: Come with me. We are going to speak to the judges because you are lying about owning these shows.

Inu Kaiba: Oh no you don't. (Slips out of lawyer's hands) Well I borrowed Tetsaiga and I own this briefcase and I know how to use the sword to cut this briefcase in two.

Lawyer: well let's just pretend you own Yu-Gi-Oh and Inu Yasha until the real owners find out, Okay?

Inu Kaiba: 'Kay!

* * *

Inu Kaiba: This chapter will be short and to the point because of the P.S.

P.S. This will be sorta short since I'm planning a short sequel that will be a thousand words if I'm lucky! It will be called "Torture of the finest degree!"And you know what that means right! The evildoers will get their just desserts! Yes!

* * *

YMarik collapsed into his soul room, thanking god it was finally over. First he had been pinned to the wall while Malik beat on him for two whole hours. Those bruises would take a long time to go away. And they wouldn't self heal either unlike most injuries did because they had been given to him by his Hikari. Then he had had to sit through a five-hour lecture on why he should always listen to his Hikari. 'Man, does that kid ever SHUT UP?' he thought.

So when Malik announced they were going to an amusement park the next day he sobbed into his pillow for a good hour. "All the cute lovable furry things and the wonderfully happy children." He sobbed. "It's a wonder no one who goes there has gone crazy!"

He continued crying for another hour after that until inspiration struck. Malik began to forge a plan. He ran out to the store and bought chocolate laxatives. (If you don't know what these are I'm not telling... Yet!)

* * *

The next day...

* * *

YMalik put the chocolate laxatives in a sandwich. 'At least one thing will be good today!' he thought. 'For my dignity will never ever be the same again.'

When they got there, Malik (Of Course) wanted to go on the Pony Ride. 'Typical Hikari...' YMalik thought.

At lunchtime YMalik had the tainted sandwich with the laxatives in it. Then he demanded to go on the Roller Coaster.

Malik was scared of the Roller Coaster so he quietly slipped into his Soul Room while nobody was looking. On their walk to the Roller Coaster, Ishizu asked YMalik why he was so quiet all of a sudden.

"That's for me to know and you to find out!" he said.

When they got to the Roller Coaster YMalik said, "To show you that I'm not a total Ass you can go first," and out of complete stupidity Ishizu walked right in front of YMalik to get to the end of the line.

As YMalik stood in line he began shitting his pants. Everybody still thought he was Malik so that ruined Malik's reputation. He also let off foul smells because of the fact that he was shitting his pants. On the Roller Coaster YMalik's shit went through his pants and on to the seat. On the loops the shit fell out of his ass and onto the Pharaoh who was waiting patiently in line.

When they got home Malik wondered why his Yami had been so good (NOT!)

* * *

The next day at Malik's school

* * *

Malik's POV

"Hey shitty! What's the matter? You don't know how to use a toilet!" The hall erupted with laughter. 'That must be the fiftieth person today who's made a remark!' I thought.

The Pharaoh was angry with him too. "You... Shit... In... My... HAIR! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO CLEAN OUT?"

"I'm sorry! But I swear I didn't do it!" I said as Yami yelled at me.

* * *

After School

* * *

Still Malik's POV

I saw a bottle of chocolate laxatives on the table. And in an instant I knew what my Yami's plan was, what had happened and I knew for sure he had succeeded.

I asked Ishizu what had happened and it all fit perfectly. "I feel like such a fool!" she said. "I fell for another of Your Darkness plans'" Then I Called Yami and told him what had happened and you know what; we all said the same thing which was...

"YAMI MARIK OMAE O KOROSU!"

THE END

* * *

Until I write another story see you!

STAY TUNED FOR THE UP AND COMING TWO CHAPTER SEQUEL, "TORTURE OF THE FINEST DEGREE!" 


End file.
